YMCA parent tips: make up and break up-children and friendship

One of childhood's toughest lessons is learning how to be a good friend. Being a good friend means that someone will like you back and that you'll be included and respected.

That's important to kids, right? Not always. But it's definitely important to parents! So much so that it can cause stress and put needless pressure on children.

Parents need to understand the emotional steps children take in building friendships. Every child is different, but there does seem to be a process that children follow in learning how to be a friend.

The basic idea of friendship is that it is a two-way street: a give-and-take relationship. That means being able to figure out what someone else is feeling-and reacting accordingly. Hardly an easy concept for a 3-year-old to master-or even sometimes for an adult.

Between the ages of 3 and 7, your child thinks of "friends" as those with whom he or she is playing at the moment or often. Friendship is not thought of as a relationship that endures over time.

Somewhere between ages 4 and 9, children slowly become aware that other people might think differently than they do. Then a friend becomes "someone who does things that please me." Still, there's no real focus on the two-way relationship.

It's not until ages 6 through 12 that kids begin to understand the reciprocal nature of friendship. And it's usually not until teen years that friendship is understood as a process in which different people with different ideas and personalities learn to cooperate.

The lessons of friendship include learning how to discuss a problem, handle differences in opinion and find ways to compromise. Your child can learn those things without an adult's intervention. By dealing with other children and comparing his own behaviors to theirs, he will build a stronger concept of self.

What does all this mean for parents? Relax! Kids can and will work things out. It's not always easy. But it is a natural process.

Listed below are some tips on helping your child make friends.

Be a friend to your child.

Roots of good friendships start at home. Early communication skills are used later with friends.

Make sure your child has regular contact with other kids.

Interaction takes practice.

Don't hover.

Research shows that the presence of an adult keeps kids from interacting and talking.

If possible, stay out of conflicts.

Unless you see violence brewing, step back. Give children a chance to resolve their own conflict. If you do get involved, use phrases like, "What can we do about this?"

Don't take children's words too literally.

You're not my friend" can really mean "I'm mad at you right now."

Relax.

Nurture support, but don't push. Be prepared for the hits and the misses.