YMCA parent tips: learning to live together-children and cultural diversity

Children of all ages are fascinated by the similarities and differences between themselves and others. Noticing how they are alike or different from other children helps them gain a sense of their own identity, as well as their identity as a member of global community that's made up of different ethnic, racial, and religious groups.

Noticing differences and likenesses usually begins at home. Siblings might compare among themselves the texture of their hair, the color of their eyes or the shapes of their noses. This sorting and organizing is a natural part of growing up. The problem starts if those differences are seen as negative.

Parents and teachers need to be alert to children's signals. They should look out for a bias toward others because of physical attributes, culture or ethnicity. It could be an outright statement ("I don't want to play with you because your skin is dark"). Or the child could just seem unwilling to play with certain groups of children. Whatever the signal, parents and teachers need to steer children's development in a direction that is healthy, open and trusting toward others.

Parents can help

Because prejudice is such a tough issue, parents can feel uncomfortable teaching children about cultural diversity. Often, parents try to stop children from noticing or commenting on what they see. They simply say, "It's not polite to stare." Sometimes because of their own discomfort, they quickly change the subject of differences when it comes up.

By shying away from open discussion of the differences that kids observe, parents send a message. What they are saying, without even knowing it, is that there's something wrong with those differences. Children pick up on a parent's nervousness and feel that there's something bad going on.

Parents should provide a safe environment where differences can be discussed and information is shared that shatters stereotypes. They need to feel confident enough not only to talk about equality and the worth of all people but to set an example that reinforces those statements. Children follow their parents' lead closely.

To discourage stereotyping, find books showing people of various races and ethnic backgrounds as leaders. Give your child chances to meet and play with children of different backgrounds. Visit cultural festivals and other ethnic celebrations. Direct experience with all kinds of people can be the most powerful tool for breaking down stereotypes.

Take seriously your child's comments and questions about prejudice. Be as clear and honest as you can when you answer. You don't have to overload your child with information, but you do have to respond.

A child was invited to eat lunch at the home of a friend from another country. When asked how the visit went, she wrinkled her nose and said "I don't want to go back. Their food is funny."

Her father asked here what she meant by "funny." Did it mean "different"?

When she said yes, he took the chance to explain how great it can be to get to know different kinds of people: "What seems funny at first may turn into something wonderful as you get to know the people better. Some people don't like to be around people who aren't exactly like them. Not me. I like to get to know all kinds of people, and I certainly hope and expect that you will, too."

Using the right words

Sometimes kids bring home slurs, taunts and teases that they hear from other kids (or sometimes adults). How do you deal with that? There's no easy answer. But you do need to speak up in some way, telling your child why it's wrong to repeat the insults.

Young children who use racist words are usually repeating things they have heard used in anger or fear at a time of conflict. When you intervene, stopping the name-calling and making the kids apologize is a good start, but a discussion can be even more useful. The real issue may be an argument over a toy or something similar. Help children realize what the problem really is. Help them understand that it doesn't have anything to do with skin color.

By the second or third grade, the problem goes deeper. At this age, it's important to make it clear to kids that racial attacks will not be tolerated. An 8- or 9-year-old who makes racial slurs often is usually a frustrated and insecure child. Or else he has been taught to act that way on purpose by older people. Frank, straightforward discussions are crucial to breaking down the child's belief that one person is superior over another because of race or other factors.

Parents can't censor everything their children hear outside the home, but they can certainly counter it. Children need to be reminded that all people are valuable and worthy of respect and that ultimately, hate hurts the one who hates.

Dealing with fear and anger

Even the youngest children can be exposed regularly to racism, sometimes in violent forms. This happens by way of the media, if not in everyday life.

How can parents explain racism without adding to the fear? It's not easy. But again, honesty and openness are critical. If your child is afraid that someone is going to burn her house down or come after her, reassure her as best you can that she's safe and going to be okay.

It's also okay to admit your own anger toward an incident. It shows your child that it's normal to be concerned when someone is being treated badly or unfairly.

Explain that we all have to find ways to express our anger without hurting ourselves or others. Help your child act, not react. Children, like adults, can handle their feelings of frustration and anger in many ways. They don't have to resort to violence.

When a child is a victim of racial slurs, tell her that those names are used to make her feel bad. And tell her she shouldn't feel bad. Explain that she is not a bad person, no matter what anyone says. Tell her how you feel proud of who you are, and she should feel the same.

If possible, speak to the offending child's parents. If they aren't available or don't respond, speak to the child directly. The child may be unaware of the harm in her actions. Or she may need to be reminded that this type of behavior will not be tolerated.

How much should you say?

What you tell your child should depend on her age and curiosity. A 4-year-old won't understand a dissertation on the history of racism and oppression. But when she asks questions about something she's seen or heard, she needs some honest information to go on. If she wants more, she'll ask for it.